What if True Blood Was Real? Part II

Part II


6.  Hide Ya Kids, Cuz Everyone Out Here is Getting Raped
The thing that terrifies me most? Shape shifters.  There's just way too many scenarios in which this can go wrong.  For example, imagine if Jeffery Dahmer was a shape shifter.  He can turn into a fly, enter your house, and brutally rape and murder you.  Which would eventually lead to the downfall of PETA.  I would probably kill every animal I encountered just to be safe.  Sorry, WishBone and Shiloh, but I'm not taking any chances today (shotgun fired).  I mean, this shit could go on forever.  Michael Vick later becomes president...


7.  Age Tax
Barack Obama attempts to save the economy with the first ever "age tax".  In theory, it's a great idea.  Until 2,000 year old vampires decide that this shit is ridiculous, and that's when we all most likely die.  You know how pissed Rush Limbaugh was about the income tax?! More so, remember how pissed Snooki was with the tanning tax?!  Yeah, well imagine if Rush Limbaugh or that insane midget actually had the ability to convert their rage into what will inevitably be the end of human civilization.


If anyone else has suggestions, feel free.  For now, I have appeared to hit a wall.

What If True Blood Was Real? Part I

Finally, it's time to get to the important stuff.


I've been watching HBO Sundays for the past 6 or 7 years, and I have never been disappointed.  In the past 7 years alone, HBO has put out gems such as The Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Wire, Eastbound & Down, Entourage, Bored to Death, and True Blood.  All of these shows are either comedies or real-life drama depictions of various American subcultures, with one exception.  The exception is of course True Blood, a supernatural themed drama that combines sex, violence, politics, and civil rights.   


With two episodes remaining in season 3, we have seen vampires, shape shifters, werewolves, fairies, and whatever the fuck Maryann was last season.  Without spoiling anything too bad for anyone who plans to catch up, let me just say this season is ridiculous.  Not like the first two weren't, but this new season can best be described as a "highly intriguing clusterfuck".  It's like watching Cruel Intentions mixed with a southern and better acted version of Twilight, with the violence level multiplied by 10.  Everyone is fucking everyone, people are dying, and no one knows how any of it is going to end (unless you read the books). 


Considering each episode has around 5 main story lines, it is hard to analyze everything, unless you're me.  So I took the liberty of doing it for you.  I present the following to you: What If True Blood Was Real?...Part I


If the rules of True Blood applied to our 2010 real world America, then I think some issues should be addressed.


1.  Can Vampires Transmit STDS!?


I am aware vampires are immortal, but I feel like this should be addressed.  Do they use condoms? I highly doubt that.  Which means one of two things.  They can be carriers or their blood destroys all diseases in general.  If the former is true, then I think it's safe to say Sookie would be a little more careful.  On the other hand, if the latter is true...


2.  Vampire Blood Becomes Earth's Most Valuable Commodity


From a human standpoint, V can be used as a recreational drug as well as a cure for cancer, AIDS, and just about, well, everything.  If you're healthy and take it, you just get extremely high, like a cross between LSD and E, without a hangover. If you're not healthy, it will heal you in 20 seconds.  My question to you?! Who the fuck isn't trying to get V, whether it's to take it or sell it.  This leads to longer life spans, less crowded hospitals, decrease in health insurance, etc.  Vampires suddenly control the economy and health care.


3.  What Human Female Still Bangs Human Males?!


We've seen this shit several times.  Apparently, these vampires fuck girls at a rate of 1000 cipm (cock insertions per minute).  Who competes with that?!  It's like a light-speed Shake Weight.  Even Ray-J is gonna be spending a lot of time watching porn.  They can literally break a woman's back during sex, and then feed her blood to fix it.  Which leads to...


4.  Vampires Dominate Every Professional Sport.


They are stronger, 1000x faster, and are immortal.  Chris Johnson, you run a 4.24 second 40-yard dash?!  Big fucking deal.   Eric Northman can run to the Sheetz 5 miles down the road and get me a burrito before you even get in the proper stance.  The only sport they will have trouble with is baseball, because a flying broken bat will literally cause the third basemen to combust into several thousand pieces.  But still, thats rare.  NBA? Ray Allen shoots 500 jumpers in a 3 hour practice session.  Imagine doing that in 10 min combined with hundreds of years of practice.   


5.  I Am Legend


Vampires can't come inside uninvited and they can't walk in the light.  So what am I doing? Buying shit and doing errands during the day, then going home before sunset.  There you go.  Problem solved.  Werewolves? Start a company that trains lions or tigers and sell them.  You'll be a millionaire.  If you have a lion sleeping in your living room that's trained to maul werewolves, I say that's a damn good investment.  At the very least, just put steel barriers around your house.  Don't tell me that's not practical, either.  If vampires can do all of the shit mentioned earlier, then at the very least I can put a 10 feet high steel square outside my house.


To Be Continued.

                                                Or? Hmm.

Fated To Pretend..

What do I know?

Between this past Thursday and right now, I've transitioned through several phases of my life without really noticing it.  It was not until earlier today, while sitting in the first class of my senior year, when I evaluated my life.  In fact, I was more so evaluating life in general.  Allow me to elaborate...

You see, there are two essential parts to a life worth living.  First, you have to establish the world around you, which begins with your family.  Then you choose your friends.  Then you choose a school or a career path, etc.  All of the aforementioned things are nothing more than reference points.  They are familiar. They are reality.    

Part two is more complicated.  

Once this world around you has been established, it is up to you to control how much you deviate from reality.  We all deviate from reality.  However, everyone has their own methods.  Some go on vacation.  Some listen to music.  Some read.  Some use drugs.  Whatever the method is, they are all forms of escaping to your fantasy world.  Eventually, that moment will end and reality comes back.  

(If you're with me so far, then you are completely aware of your own reality and fantasy.  If you're not with me, then I will assume you just think I'm stoned.  That's fine too, but for the record I'm sober.)

Life becomes worthwhile when you successfully blend the fantasy into reality.  Instead of escaping, you are living.  There are no more clear-cut breaks to separate the two worlds.  You are living the dream.  We all know the cliches.  

So what do I know?

I know that I went into this weekend dreading class on Monday.  Like every past summer of my life, I viewed today as the starting point of having worries again.  The day where I go to class, come home, and then escape.

I know that I'm good at loosing things.  Those things include the following: credit cards, money, clothes, dignity, cell phones, Amazon.com passwords, a sense of compassion, optimism, and even people I love.

I know a bar at Penn State that hopes I never come back.  I know that places like Atlantic City and Vegas represent people's fantasy worlds, including mine.  I know that my friend placed a single bet Friday night and won $375.  I know that it pays to be lucky.  I know that hearing MGMT play "Electric Feel" sends chills down my spine.  I know that I spent a ridiculous amount of money this past weekend and wasn't bothered by it.  I know that AC to Pittsburgh is not an 8 1/2 hour drive, yet that's how long it took.  I know that none of this stuff surprises me, and if you know me, then it won't surprise you either.  

That being said, I came home from class today with an unusual sense of confusion.  Plain confusion is not unusual for me, but a content and optimistic state of confusion is.  It was a feeling I have never felt before.  It was the feeling of blurred reality.  

In the past, as my professor stood in front of me explaining how difficult this semester would be, I wasn't worried.  As my mind was swimming with thoughts on how much shit I need to accomplish that year to better my life, I wasn't worried.  The worrying hasn't changed. What changed is that I am no longer worried because I just don't care, but because I do care.  If I really didn't care, then my life wouldn't have led me to this point. 

This all seems self-centric, and that's because it is.  So I say to you, no matter what world you have created for yourself, just follow what you know.  

Goodbye Summer.  

Gimme Some of that Internet Moneyyyy! Meet the evolutionary "King of All Media".

Considering I was a young lad in the 90s, I vaguely remember the media phenomenon that was Howard Stern.  At 56, he is currently living in his multi-million dollar mansion somewhere in the NYC area.  He has his own empire on Sirius-XM radio that consists of at least two channels dedicated just to him and his crew.  He is the only person in the world that can convince Artie Lange to drop the heroin habit.  He was the first of  his kind.

I remember "Private Parts", his show on E!, and some of his radio interviews.  He embodied the role of making fun of the media while being part of the media.  He posed as a broadcaster, but he was actually one of the people.  When he interviewed celebrities, even if he had more money than them, he never viewed himself as one of them.  Nothing was off topic, including religion, politics, entertainment, or sports.  In other words, he really was the "People's Champ".  I remember a quote from Stern where he said he knew all along  he wanted to be a disc jockey.  Well, look how far he's come, but more importantly, look at what he has created..

Now, there is a show solely dedicated to making fun of whatever genre you enjoy most.  Some are old, some are new.  Some are great, some go unnoticed.  Here they are, in order of oldest to most recent. 


If you're interested in politics, John Stewart and Stephen Colbert have been cleverly making fun of national news media outlets for over ten years now.  They are the anchors of Comedy Central year-round and have consistent ratings every single year.  Why?  Because there are two types of political parties.  There's the political party that watches CNN or Fox News all day, because they have to know what's going on in the world.  Then, there's the political party I fall in.  The one that cares about what's going on in the world, but would rather have someone who thinks like me break it down in a short 22 minutes.  Give me the headlines, give me some jokes, and then I go to bed informed and in a better mood.  It's a simple formula.  The government is followed by national news outlets, and national news outlets are covered by Stewart and Colbert, who represent us.  Anyone can make fun of Bush or Obama.  However, it's more entertaining to make fun of news anchors who think their show or opinion is fact (SHOUT OUT TO GLENN BECK!!).  It's not.  Everyone still gets one vote.  Let's be honest though, politics sucks... so let's move on. 

If you're interested in celebrities or reality TV, Joel McHale has been hosting "The Soup" since 2004.  Is it funny? Yeah, absolutely.  But think about why it's funny.  It's funny because it's entertainment making fun of the entertainment industry.  Also, it's funny because it's just one green screen with McHale showing us clips of stupid celebrities and reality television moments.  Yeah, he adds in a couple jokes, but is there a way it could be conceptually better?  Absolutely, and it already exists.

A lot of people don't give a shit about politics, celebrities, sports, etc.  When I say that, I mean no matter what genre is being satirized, people are still going to be left out and consequentially not interested and not watching.  The only subject that everyone in America truly cares about is... ourselves, i mean what else?

Enter: Daniel Tosh

Daniel Tosh has created a masterpiece based off of the several following concepts:

a. People are genuinley selfish
b. Social Media Interaction
c.  America's Funniest Home Videos on steroids
d. Racism can be used appropriately if in proper context

Tosh has created a world in which he is the narrator, and the rest of us are the show.  Every Wednesday night, no matter where you are, you get to sit down and make fun of some dumb blond that resembles someone you know from college fall flat on her face while skateboarding.  You can watch that kid from high school who thought he was real EXTREMMEEE drive his dirt bike off a cliff (and fuck no he doesn't land it).  You can watch frat boys take flaming shots and catch their face on fire.  The list goes on, but any of us that have seen that show can relate it to something.  Right now, Tosh.o is destroying the ratings between 18-30 year olds.  The only two shows above him are TrueBlood and Jersey Shore.  Two shows that are completely reasonable to be in front of his.

Twitter and Facebook are nothing but outlets.  It takes something or someone to bring us all truly together, and every Wed night, that is exactly what Tosh does.  At age 35, maybe he has other ambitions he wants to pursue.  He's a great comic, and everyone wants to act these days.  Either way, I hope to see him for many years to come.  As for now, though, all of us are currently part of one of the most popular TV shows on cable.  

I believe that deserves an "America, Fuck Yeah".

Don't Be Surprised if She Bangs Your Best Friend

Hope I don't hit a sophomore slump... ok lets go

We all know females want a man's man. 

Side Note: This concept/theory/warning does not apply to the following: emos, women who love Johnny Weir, girls who can legally fuck Justin Bieber, and by pure logic, lesbians.

As for the rest of you women, I'm referring to the type of man who can fix anything in the house or protect you from any minor to semi-dangerous confrontation (If you're expecting Jason Bourne, then now your just being a greedy whore and will probably end up with the guy who played Screech). This could range anywhere from fixing a leaking furnace, a light bulb - even I'll admit, i once tried to stick an 80 W into a 60 W socket- to protecting you from a creepy 37 year-old real estate agent trying to buy you drinks.  Who, by the way, is actually broke because he was under the impression that everyone got wealthy from real estate.  Seriously, be careful of guys like that.

Anyways, back to my point.  Ladies, you want someone like the Old Spice Guy, the guy from the Dos Equis commercials, or Mike "The Situation" (trust me, he knows not to put charcoal on a gas grill, and he cooks!)!!

All joking and semi-true life lessons aside, this story I read the other day raised some interesting points.  I'll post the video at the end, but here's the just of it now, via Mashable.com.

"During a Major League Baseball game between the Houston Astros and the Atlanta Braves, Astros Third Baseman Chris Johnson drove a foul ball in the direction of a couple sitting in left-field. Instead of catching the ball or taking the brunt of the hurling object though, the boyfriend (Bo) slid to his right, letting his girlfriend (Sarah) take a direct hit from the foul ball. Since her boyfriend was in the way until the last second, she never saw it coming.

If you are even too lazy to read that, the point is some dude saw a foul ball aiming at his girlfriend and decided, "I should...probably.... aw fuck it!".

There are at least two arguments for every situation, and they are as follows:

From the female perspective:  Holy shit, her boyfriend is a huge pussy.  He could have caught it, grabbed her and moved her out of harms way, or for some extra drama, he could have dived in front of her Clint Eastwood "Bodyguard" style.  Obviously, he did none of that.  So, now we need an explanation.

From the male perspective: Considering I'm a male, I feel there is three explanations only, however I'm not sure which one it is. 

Scenario A: "Bo" is just kind of a dick.  He could have easily thought the following, "Wow, that ball is coming kinda fast.  I mean, I could easily catch it, but that wouldn't be funny to me.  Considering I have the upper hand in the relationship, I'll just let it hit her, and she'll feel stupid about it later and we'll laugh together."   In this scenario, both are dumbasses, and I support couples that have things in common.

Scenario B: "Bo" actually is just a giant pussy.  He waited until the exact moment he realized it was coming for him, and he was out of there faster than Jazzy Jeff.  Even after the fact, his girlfriend is like "You seriously just ran away?  Like did that just happen?". 

Scenario C.  "Bo" was stoned.  Slow reaction time.  Maybe he forgot he had a girlfriend with him.  Maybe he was going to get nachos at the EXACT SAME time the foul ball was coming.  Maybe he forgot what a foul ball was in that context. 

Maybe... maybe i just can't defend this guy at all.

Bo the Bailer, there's a good chance your girlfriend is gonna bang your best friend sometime soon.  But it's ok.  Every man makes mistakes. 

Just remember these following two things:

1.  What Would the Old Spice Guy Do?
2. At least your not Mel Gibson.

Video after the jump

Introduction to... Wait, who am I kidding?!

For all of us students, we all have that one day in August where it hits you.  The thought of, "Fuck, I need to remember how to think in a couple weeks!".  It's like not driving for four months, and then you get in your car and drive a ten hour road trip.  Well, this morning was that day for me.  After several months of boozing and acting like a damn fool, I will be forced to booze and act like a fool while studying for tests and deciding which class that day just isn't worth my time. 

You may ask yourself, "What the fuck are you talking about, and why did you start a blog.  Dude, you know no one will read that, right?".  Of course I know that, at least in relative terms.  But here is what else I know.  I'm going to be a senior in college, and I live with five other gentlemen  who know some things about some things.  These things are as follows:

1. Anyone who goes to college knows that you will graduate with a degree, get a job, and realize that college has basically taught you nothing of practical value in relation to that job (at least if you're a business major).  You apply, they accept, several weeks of training and you're good to go.  yay...

2. Shit happens.  A lot of shit happens.  Mistakes are made.  People get embarrassed.  Coffee tables, all furniture, and occasionally knee caps get broken.  Reputations are made during the week and ruined on the weekend.  Confrontations start over things that any rational human being wouldn't even notice.  Homeless men mistake your garbage can outside for a toilet or a supermarket, or both at once.  I mean, you get the idea without me having to specifically out people.  Keepin it real does go wrong..

3. Getting older and growing up are completely unrelated.  Most people my age with my major aspire to be like Steve Jobs, the Waltons (no, not the NBA family), or perhaps Bono.  I aspire to be like fictional characters (Charlie from "Always Sunny" or anyone from the "Trailer Park Boyz"), reality TV stars (the Dream Team of Pauly D and the Situation), and even egotistical atheletes who may or may not have raped a white girl (Ben Roethlisberger and Kobe Bryant).

Translation of everything said up to this point: While I should be worrying about getting a job in a year and a half, I will instead be living in the present.  In the words of MGMT, "in the end, we all are fated to pretend". 

All future posts will be about how I perceive the microcosm around me, as well as the current events going on in this country of ours.  Whether it's Snooki going to jail, KanYe West thinking that he might be Jesus Christ, or just a great story from the dirty streets of South Oakland, nothing is unimportant in the mind of an ambitious slacker.

If you are reading this right now, that means you either

A.  Read through this whole thing, or
B. Just skipped to the bottom.

Either way, you're here.  So for that, I thank you.  I'll be back soon, at the very latest it will be sometime after the third Jersey Shore episode.  Hopefully my roommates will enlighten us too.  

Who am I kidding, they'll prob just go tell me to fuck off.  And if so? Well hey, it's America mothafuckers.