Fated To Pretend..

What do I know?

Between this past Thursday and right now, I've transitioned through several phases of my life without really noticing it.  It was not until earlier today, while sitting in the first class of my senior year, when I evaluated my life.  In fact, I was more so evaluating life in general.  Allow me to elaborate...

You see, there are two essential parts to a life worth living.  First, you have to establish the world around you, which begins with your family.  Then you choose your friends.  Then you choose a school or a career path, etc.  All of the aforementioned things are nothing more than reference points.  They are familiar. They are reality.    

Part two is more complicated.  

Once this world around you has been established, it is up to you to control how much you deviate from reality.  We all deviate from reality.  However, everyone has their own methods.  Some go on vacation.  Some listen to music.  Some read.  Some use drugs.  Whatever the method is, they are all forms of escaping to your fantasy world.  Eventually, that moment will end and reality comes back.  

(If you're with me so far, then you are completely aware of your own reality and fantasy.  If you're not with me, then I will assume you just think I'm stoned.  That's fine too, but for the record I'm sober.)

Life becomes worthwhile when you successfully blend the fantasy into reality.  Instead of escaping, you are living.  There are no more clear-cut breaks to separate the two worlds.  You are living the dream.  We all know the cliches.  

So what do I know?

I know that I went into this weekend dreading class on Monday.  Like every past summer of my life, I viewed today as the starting point of having worries again.  The day where I go to class, come home, and then escape.

I know that I'm good at loosing things.  Those things include the following: credit cards, money, clothes, dignity, cell phones, Amazon.com passwords, a sense of compassion, optimism, and even people I love.

I know a bar at Penn State that hopes I never come back.  I know that places like Atlantic City and Vegas represent people's fantasy worlds, including mine.  I know that my friend placed a single bet Friday night and won $375.  I know that it pays to be lucky.  I know that hearing MGMT play "Electric Feel" sends chills down my spine.  I know that I spent a ridiculous amount of money this past weekend and wasn't bothered by it.  I know that AC to Pittsburgh is not an 8 1/2 hour drive, yet that's how long it took.  I know that none of this stuff surprises me, and if you know me, then it won't surprise you either.  

That being said, I came home from class today with an unusual sense of confusion.  Plain confusion is not unusual for me, but a content and optimistic state of confusion is.  It was a feeling I have never felt before.  It was the feeling of blurred reality.  

In the past, as my professor stood in front of me explaining how difficult this semester would be, I wasn't worried.  As my mind was swimming with thoughts on how much shit I need to accomplish that year to better my life, I wasn't worried.  The worrying hasn't changed. What changed is that I am no longer worried because I just don't care, but because I do care.  If I really didn't care, then my life wouldn't have led me to this point. 

This all seems self-centric, and that's because it is.  So I say to you, no matter what world you have created for yourself, just follow what you know.  

Goodbye Summer.