The City of Champions

The City of Champions
Where I spent my entire life learning about winning, losing, and triumphant returns. 4!2

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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Prince of Pop?

I have a ton of shit to do, but I am a committed person.  I was requested to do this, so I might as well give it 100%, which means I actually did research for this.  When I say research, I mean Wikipedia.  If you don't think Wikipedia is accurate, well then your just a pessimist, so we don't need you anyway.  I use Wikipedia 15 times a day, and only once have I ever seen a page that's been vandalized.  That one time was 4:00 A.M. in the morning while looking on Brooklyn Decker's page.  Right in the middle of one of her sections, someone typed in all caps the following, "BROOKLYN DECKER LOVES BIG BLACK DICK".  Fifteen minutes later, it was taken down.  By the way, if it wasn't for the all caps, I probably would have just assumed it was true.  I mean, it's not out of the realm of possibilities. Some supermodels really do love big black dick.  Then, I found out she was married to Andy Roddick, which actually made sense.  Hollywood is full of attractive women, that's not a surprise.  What is a surprise, though, is to find one that has never been close to under the knife and still blows every other girl out of the water.  Current examples are Megan Fox, Katy Perry, Zooey Deschanel, and obviously Brooklyn Decker.  


As usual, this appears to be rambling and has no point, which is somewhat true.  I am merely looking for a segue to what this post is actually about.  Here's the thing, if I asked all 10-15 of my male friends the following question: "If given the opportunity, is there any one of these four girls that you would not have sex with?".  The answer would be no, which is understandable.  However, if I asked the same question to my same group of 21-22 year old friends about seventeen year-old Miley Cyrus or seventeen year-old Miranda Cosgrove, I would bet at least 10 of them still answer no.  


Consider the last two paragraphs foreplay.  Here's what I have spent my entire summer trying to figure out over the course of several conversations with various females between the ages of 17-25... "At what age do females seriously start questioning whether sleeping with Justin Bieber is morally wrong?".  


That's the first question, at least for now.  The conclusion I came to?  I still have no fucking idea.  I've received the following answers from younger friends around 19 or 20:


1.  Absolutely, no brainer, I would drop everything right now and follow him to wherever he feels like fucking this time (Roesthlisberger style?).
2. If nothing else changed about him, except that he was simply a few years older, than yes I would.
3. Yes, unless he wasn't famous, then definitely not.
4.  Hell no, he's 16 and looks even younger.  Plus its rape.


That pretty much covers everything for that area.  But things get a little trickier when you starting getting into the 20's.  Everyone in their mid 20's I know was kind of appalled I even asked.  In fact, one person even told me she was slightly scared to admit that Zac Effron is sexy, and he's 22 (although i think she thought he was a lot younger).  


So, I'm gonna say most girls feel creepy about 16 year old boys sometime once they graduate college.  When you have a real job, work with real men, don't have time for this shit, then it's kind of hard to have any real obsession with someone like Justin Bieber.





Final conclusion: over/under 21.5
If you're 22 or older, and would have sex with the Biebs, you might have to re-evaluate your life. 



Next question.  What does the future hold for Justin Bieber?  


Well, I found two test cases for this comparison.  For the past 30 years, Michael Jackson has been the undisputed King of Pop.  In my lifetime, there have been only two males that ever displayed talent anywhere near MJ.  Those two were Justin Timberlake and Chris Brown.  They were the only two that had the voice, the dance moves, the looks, and the massive pop sex appeal.  I grew up during the "Boy Band Era".  I also remember the day it ended, and that was when JT went solo in the early 2000's.  He was 16 at the height of N Sync, which was also the height of the TRL era.  So, where is he 16 years later?  He can be seen in four TV advertisements a day, has six Grammys, has two Emmys, and has sold a shitload of albums.  In fact, JT can be considered the ceiling for Bieber.  I mean, if he has a more successful career than JT, he will truly have to become the greatest male pop artist ever.  


The next case?  Chris Brown.  What was he doing at the age of 16?  THIS .  That was at 16, and he's my age.  So, at the age of 21 years old, what's Chris Brown's resume?  He's working on his fourth album. His first one went double platinum, and his second one went single platinum.  He absolutely destroyed several performances, including his thriller tribute at the 06 World Music Awards, and a few VMA performances.  Here's a montage of his best: Chris Brown Performances.  Even I'll admit Chris Brown doesn't hit the high notes anywhere close to Michael, but he definitely has the dance moves.  My point is that he is still 21, and he's finally just resurrecting his career after the Rihanna-PR disaster.  He was just in a #1 box office movie for opening weekend in "Takers".  He has a long way to go and plenty of time.  


As for Bieber, he has all of those talents.  In fact, even Justin Timberlake knew that, because he lost in the bidding war to Usher in order to sign Bieber.  He's the new chosen one, and you can bet he'll be pimped out by Island Records for at least five more years, unless his voice changes or he starts to look like Macaulay Culkin, but it's doubtful that will happen if he's already 16, unless....


Finally, is Justin Bieber really 16?  I highly doubt it.  Here's my evidence.  Look at the video of Chris Brown in "Run It".  Looks way older.  However, he's black, and it's a known fact that people of opposite races all look the same to other races. In this case I'm referring to me being white.  Just saying.  


So we'll use Justin Timberlake.  Look at this picture: 




Does he look young?  Absolutely.  But at least you know he went through puberty,  because there's even pubes on his head.  Not the Justin Bieber comb over that kinda resembles Shaggy's haircut from Scooby Doo.


Why fake your age?  Because 16 is the age of consent in some states.  Was it his idea, though?  Let's look at two important factors.  


#1.  He's Canadian.  I guarantee no one in the U.S. has ever seen this kid's birth certificate.  It's just like Drake.  He's probably 33, not 23, and Degrassi sucked anyways.  Drake said he wants to be a serious actor again, someday.  Really?  You have somehow captivated an entire generation of young unintelligent hip-hop listeners as the most post popular rapper not named Lil' Wayne, and you think people wanna see your shitty acting again?  Drake had the worst handicapped performance in Degrassi since Tugg Speedman in "Simple Jack".  You know how many people at my college have fake Canadian ID's?  Who questions a Canadian ID anyways? They are too friendly to cause trouble anywhere.  


#2.  Single-mom conceived him at age 18, while working several dead end jobs.  We all know she saw him dance around one day to some Usher song while singing the lyrics and saw one big winning Powerball ticket.  Youtube, record deal, etc.  Mom pimps out her son while she gets to relive her 20's, because she got banged up too early and now gets to tour and live vicariously through her son.  Think I'm lying?  Can you say Joe Jackson?  Not to mention, apparently the dad still keeps in touch.  There's no way that mom is giving up any of her son's money until he legally owns it and does it himself.


I'm aware this sounds insane, and yes I'm partially joking.  Justin Bieber is probably going to have a ridiculous career with Platinum albums, commercials, Grammys, movie deals, and the whole works.  


That being said, if some terrible scandal breaks that's related to him, just know that a little part of me will be smiling wherever you are.  I can't hate on Bieber too bad, though.  At least he's accomplished more than LeBron James so far.  Don't always believe the hype.