What If True Blood Was Real? Part I

Finally, it's time to get to the important stuff.


I've been watching HBO Sundays for the past 6 or 7 years, and I have never been disappointed.  In the past 7 years alone, HBO has put out gems such as The Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Wire, Eastbound & Down, Entourage, Bored to Death, and True Blood.  All of these shows are either comedies or real-life drama depictions of various American subcultures, with one exception.  The exception is of course True Blood, a supernatural themed drama that combines sex, violence, politics, and civil rights.   


With two episodes remaining in season 3, we have seen vampires, shape shifters, werewolves, fairies, and whatever the fuck Maryann was last season.  Without spoiling anything too bad for anyone who plans to catch up, let me just say this season is ridiculous.  Not like the first two weren't, but this new season can best be described as a "highly intriguing clusterfuck".  It's like watching Cruel Intentions mixed with a southern and better acted version of Twilight, with the violence level multiplied by 10.  Everyone is fucking everyone, people are dying, and no one knows how any of it is going to end (unless you read the books). 


Considering each episode has around 5 main story lines, it is hard to analyze everything, unless you're me.  So I took the liberty of doing it for you.  I present the following to you: What If True Blood Was Real?...Part I


If the rules of True Blood applied to our 2010 real world America, then I think some issues should be addressed.


1.  Can Vampires Transmit STDS!?


I am aware vampires are immortal, but I feel like this should be addressed.  Do they use condoms? I highly doubt that.  Which means one of two things.  They can be carriers or their blood destroys all diseases in general.  If the former is true, then I think it's safe to say Sookie would be a little more careful.  On the other hand, if the latter is true...


2.  Vampire Blood Becomes Earth's Most Valuable Commodity


From a human standpoint, V can be used as a recreational drug as well as a cure for cancer, AIDS, and just about, well, everything.  If you're healthy and take it, you just get extremely high, like a cross between LSD and E, without a hangover. If you're not healthy, it will heal you in 20 seconds.  My question to you?! Who the fuck isn't trying to get V, whether it's to take it or sell it.  This leads to longer life spans, less crowded hospitals, decrease in health insurance, etc.  Vampires suddenly control the economy and health care.


3.  What Human Female Still Bangs Human Males?!


We've seen this shit several times.  Apparently, these vampires fuck girls at a rate of 1000 cipm (cock insertions per minute).  Who competes with that?!  It's like a light-speed Shake Weight.  Even Ray-J is gonna be spending a lot of time watching porn.  They can literally break a woman's back during sex, and then feed her blood to fix it.  Which leads to...


4.  Vampires Dominate Every Professional Sport.


They are stronger, 1000x faster, and are immortal.  Chris Johnson, you run a 4.24 second 40-yard dash?!  Big fucking deal.   Eric Northman can run to the Sheetz 5 miles down the road and get me a burrito before you even get in the proper stance.  The only sport they will have trouble with is baseball, because a flying broken bat will literally cause the third basemen to combust into several thousand pieces.  But still, thats rare.  NBA? Ray Allen shoots 500 jumpers in a 3 hour practice session.  Imagine doing that in 10 min combined with hundreds of years of practice.   


5.  I Am Legend


Vampires can't come inside uninvited and they can't walk in the light.  So what am I doing? Buying shit and doing errands during the day, then going home before sunset.  There you go.  Problem solved.  Werewolves? Start a company that trains lions or tigers and sell them.  You'll be a millionaire.  If you have a lion sleeping in your living room that's trained to maul werewolves, I say that's a damn good investment.  At the very least, just put steel barriers around your house.  Don't tell me that's not practical, either.  If vampires can do all of the shit mentioned earlier, then at the very least I can put a 10 feet high steel square outside my house.


To Be Continued.

                                                Or? Hmm.